And making stops along the way” – Looking for a Place to Happen, The Tragically Hip
That song has always resonated with Me, long before I had any idea what it might mean to ‘happen’. But now I know and I am happening – right here, right now.
It was almost two years ago now when I chose to surrender Myself to spirituality and I could not be more grateful for the experiences I have known since that day. For people who know Me well (especially My family), it can be difficult to understand how or why I am so happy. People look at the events of My life over the last two years and it’s as though they feel I should be learning that spirituality is not the way to live and I do understand where they are coming from. When My family last visited Me in Vancouver I had a beautiful apartment downtown, a collection of artwork My family adored and a steady job that was more than adequate to support My lifestyle. Giving up all My possessions, My apartment and living on the streets with the homeless seemed like an odd change of lifestyle and one My mother in particular found very difficult to accept.
People who do not understand My devotion to spirituality are evaluating My life based on the outcome. The primary difference between spirituality and ‘reality’ is that I am never concerned with the outcome, I am living for the experience – wherever it takes Me. I know I am always where I need to be to accomplish what I came here to do.
After My first trip to Japan I returned home and was allowed to live with My parents provided I found a job, paid rent and agreed to cut the lawn and clean My bathroom once a week. I worked hard for another six months, saved virtually every penny I made so that I could return to Japan to marry My fiance and begin a teaching career. When I left, My stepfather told Me that if I wasn’t allowed to stay in Japan, I would have to find somewhere else to live when I returned. I know he had little faith that things would ‘work out’ for Me and three months later, I was once again on a flight back to Canada: the money I’d saved had run out and this time I was $1800 in debt to My mom who had graciously paid for My flight home. Here I am preaching to people (including My parents) that We get what We ask for including Our greatest fears, yet My stepfather undoubtedly feels as though his worry that I would return has nothing to do with My being here.
Of course, the last thing I wanted was to be was in debt to My parents. My entire life before this I had never relied on anyone for anything and took a great deal of pride in being independent. My stepfather kept his word and was furious with My situation. I moved in with My brother and began looking for a job. To My parents, this was a clear example of how My belief in spirituality was not enough and that it was time I learned to be responsible. They asked Me to work hard to pay back My debts and warned Me the economy was bad, there were not a lot of jobs to be had. I told them there are always jobs so long as You are not fussy about what You do. Two days later I found work. I wrote about it an a previous entry saying it was not glamorous but it was a job – and that was all I needed to keep peace with My family.
I was telemarketing for charities. As per usual, I not only persevered but excelled in My new position. I inspired and motivated the people I worked with but as time went on, the better I became at My job, the worse I felt about what I was doing. Finally, I began looking into the company and charities I was collecting for. The entire business is a scam. Not so much of a scam that they can be shut down – they do give the minimum 1% required by law to the charity they represent, but the rest of the money profits fat cat executives who treat employees like crap and violate considerable Canadian labour laws. The worst part is, I continued working there for three more days out of sheer necessity for a job until the overwhelming sensation of guilt in My heart would no longer let Me go.
Of course, the reward for quitting was immediate. The very first day I decided not to go a wave of relief washed over Me as if I had finally been freed from some torturous task. I remember the day vividly. A spiritual exercise I sometimes practice in meditation involves a visualization technique which involves stashing all ‘worldly’ concerns in an imaginary vault in an effort to focus all energy on spiritual aspirations. As I walked out the door for work that day, I felt dull and gloomy and visualized placing My spirit in the vault so I could get on with My ‘worldly’ concerns and go to work with a smile on My face. Of course, that was when the madness of what I was doing and who I wanted to be suddenly hit Me. I was ignoring My spirit, something I had promised Myself I would never do. I grow My hair to remind to always listen the voice of My spirit.
Little did I know how the universe was about to reward My courage.